"I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was."
Source: https://www.buzzfeed.com/katangus/tweets...23 Hilarious Tweets That Will Make You Laugh So Hard And Cringe At The Same Time
1.
ME: *realises I've just stepped on an ant* oh no
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) 3 января 2018 г.
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
2.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) 15 марта 2016 г.
3.
It puts the lotion on its skin, after it puts on toner and serum, but before it puts on sunscreen—it also started double cleansing recently, which it thinks is going well.
— Molly Fitzpatrick (@mollyfitz) 16 марта 2019 г.
4.
ur telling me a flea runs this market
— adam (@Adam_Derpin) 16 марта 2019 г.
5.
Me sowing: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!!
— The Golden Sir (@screaminbutcalm) 12 марта 2019 г.
Me reaping: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.
6.
me looking at myself in the mirror pic.twitter.com/tsbKtY4Vff
— ellie🦋 (@elliecolemann_) 8 марта 2019 г.
7.
socrates: to do is to be
— Avant Nard (@avantnard) 13 марта 2019 г.
plato: to be is to do
scooby: do be do
8.
Being an old-timey doctor would rule, just drunk as hell like "yeah u got ghosts in your blood, you should do cocaine about it"
— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) 16 августа 2017 г.
9.
Boom boom boom:
— Michael (@Home_Halfway) 13 марта 2019 г.
⚪️ AAHHH
⚪️ Grrrrrrrr
🔘 boom
I want you in my:
⚪️ dungeon
⚪️ sink
🔘 room
Let's spend the night:
⚪️ screaming at the moon
⚪️ jousting
🔘 together
Wake up and:
⚪️ die
⚪️ yell at birds
🔘 live forever
10.
Literally nobody:
— cillian (@justchillian_) 25 декабря 2018 г.
The media: liberals want to rename the "sun" to the "daughter"!!!!!
Somebody's uncle: I'm going to die because of this
11.
I forgot the word for manicure and asked my mom how her handjob was
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) 10 марта 2019 г.
12.
quick grammar lesson!
— 𝒋𝒖𝒍𝒆𝒔 (@lgbtseance) 12 марта 2019 г.
you’re: you are
my: fire
the one: desire
believe when: i say
i want it: that way
13.
[first time trying weed]
— the average joe (@jazz_inmypants) 4 марта 2019 г.
Am I high yet? I don’t feel high. Guys it’s not working I’m not high. And why the fuck does this wells fargo not sell chex mix
14.
If You See Something (a dog wearing a tie), Say Something ("hello handsome").
— Mark Magark (@markedly) 20 февраля 2019 г.
15.
[after sex]
— dj homophobic barbershop (@boyswearmugler) 18 июля 2018 г.
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
16.
hitman [popping out of my closet]: dear god man. lasagna in bed
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) 21 февраля 2019 г.
17.
my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”
— Meaghan O'Connell (@meaghano) 18 февраля 2019 г.
18.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn't say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) 6 октября 2017 г.
19.
GOD: 8
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) 4 июня 2018 г.
ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
GOD: 15!!
ANGEL *mouthful of pizza* 25
GOD: 30!!
CENTIPEDE: *tearing up* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
ANGEL: LMAO
20.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) 11 февраля 2019 г.
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
21.
this hotel kindly invites me to decide whether I am BODYGUARD or VAMPIRE pic.twitter.com/9VediAqR3j
— Jennifer Cownie (@cownifer) 5 февраля 2019 г.
22.
*battlefield turns into a giant orgy*
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) 5 марта 2018 г.
Cupid: sorry sorry, these are the only type of arrows I have
23.
Astrology Girls will straight up hit you with their car and say “whoops lol, it’s because I’m a caprisun”
— ClifSosa (@ClifSosa) 11 февраля 2019 г.
