21 Parents Whose Expectations Did Not Meet The Realities Of Having A Kid

Pediatrician: They're only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?

Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.

— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) 5 мая 2017 г.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) 15 января 2018 г.

What I thought I would say as a parent:
"You are going to change the world."

What I say as a parent:
"Stop licking the window."

— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) 2 февраля 2017 г.

We were in church and I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed “I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG” and now I need a new church.

— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) 15 декабря 2017 г.

I spent 20 minutes, 20. Fucking. Minutes. Convincing my kid to wear a coat, but yeah, congrats on your pregnancy.

— The Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) 25 октября 2017 г.

The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it.

We don't even own a boat.

— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) 18 июля 2017 г.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) 22 апреля 2014 г.

Parenting: When you get to wake up everyday thinking, "maybe today will be the day I die of exhaustion."

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) 29 апреля 2016 г.

Becoming a parent is like playing a video game where you've skipped the tutorial & you're just running about with no idea how anything works

— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) 21 марта 2017 г.

Follow my crafty mommy blog for great projects such as Pile of Books in Corner and Wrinkled Mass of Unfolded Clothes in Other Corner.

— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) 12 апреля 2017 г.

"TODAY I TELLED MY CLASS HOW SOMETIMES MY FARTS SMELL LIKE BURNT TOAST," said my son, the poster child for Teachers Don't Make Enough Money.

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) 10 мая 2017 г.

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What's mom gonna be?
me: Mad

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) 14 октября 2014 г.

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) 19 июля 2014 г.

I almost just said "Calm your tits" to my 3yo. Thanks, Twitter.

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) 14 июня 2013 г.

Dropped my kids off at the dry cleaners and my shirts off at soccer. #RunningOnFumes #WingingIt #MomLife

— The Baroness (@baroness) 9 июня 2017 г.

5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I'm on the computer* What game are you playing?

Me: Pay the bills.

5: Are you winning?

Me: No.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) 17 июня 2017 г.

That awkward moment when your child looks to you for wisdom and you're like, "Honey, I don't even know what day of the week it is."

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) 14 ноября 2017 г.

I'm the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) 26 мая 2017 г.

Heard my 7yo call my 5yo a dick & I told her it isn’t a word she can say & she asked if she can say it when she’s 15 & I said no & she asked if she can say it when she’s an adult & I said no & she asked if she can say it in jail & I said if she goes to jail then she can say dick

— Ash (an female) ⚪️ (@adult_mom) 15 января 2018 г.

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we're so cultured and not bc she's basically been raised by Peppa Pig

— Sweatpants Cher 🔶 (@House_Feminist) 19 октября 2016 г.

Husband: So we've basically given up.

Me: On what?

H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.

— Mom Psychologist (@mompsychologist) 31 января 2017 г.