How To Let Go Of The Lover Who Cheated On You: A Step-by-Step Guide!

How To Let Go Of The Lover Who Cheated On You: A Step-by-Step Guide!

Ms. Anemone
May 26 2017 - 11:49am

Don't forget, when you reach the bottom and you can't go any deeper you will start climbing back up and resurface. First the words 'time heals' won't make any sense and you will be annoyed by those who tell you that. But it's true, you really do heal, so here is your guide to the steps, one by one. You can be at any point of this journey or you may be living it in a different order, but whichever step you're at, we're sure that you will relate, because this is the natural process that we all go in this kind of grief. 

First you can't believe it. Your brain overheats from repeating the question; "How???"... "How come?!"

This just can't be happening to you. 

"Were you thinking of him/her all this time?"

Even when we were kissing, hugging, cuddling? Dozens of versions of this question trickle in your mind.

Since you were tricked and lied to, you do your own research and connect the dots to find out the real truth.

Or when you finally speak to your partner, and tell him/her that you deserve the truth, everything that has been happening start making more sense as you try to hold back tears. The truth stabs your heart. Does it feel better than suspicion? Maybe, maybe not, but now is the time to start digesting all of it. 

You try to continue with life but frequently feel the physical pain as if your heart is being squeezed, or sudden stabs, at various times of day. You start crying.

You hide under the kitchen counter or sit by the door and create a puddle of tears, or park your car to cry your heart out without any napkins around to dry your eyes and nose. 

As you cry and get crushed with the weight of betrayal, you also want him/her to hug you and heal the wounds s/he created.

'You're both my wound, and my bandage.'

You miss them and because you miss them despite their betrayal you get angry to yourself.

After a while you calm down and move to the next step: Stalking them! Both of them >:(

The more you see, more you realize the signs from the past that you didn't see back then, and more you read into everything, you move back to the crying phase.

The fact that you were cheated on doesn't leave your mind at a single moment; whether it's at work, traffic, or school.

Waking up in the morning is a special torture, as it's the first thing that come to your mind and create a giant hole in your stomach. You start your days in physical pain.

Out of habit you check your phone all the time to see if s/he texted you. Especially in the morning, to see that "Good morning" text.

Seeing that no one texted you (just maybe a few friends checking up on you), you remember again that you got cheated on, and be greeted again with the painful truth.

For a long while, you can't even stand the thought of seeing or talking to your mutual friends.

Because they remind you of him/her as you keep thinking of times you spent all together, and you are afraid that you will find more answers within the conversations.

You can't socialize at all other than your closest friends, and you don't want to answer phones.

Not that you hate people, you just don't want to talk about what you're going through and re-live the pain.

You can't stop secretly hoping that s/he came to your door and left without knocking, or that you'll run into each other somewhere.

But never forget that however s/he may or may not regret it, if s/he really had any dignity or consideration for you, you wouldn't be going through all this. Try your best to inhibit your secret expectations and face the truth. 

You either surrender to binge eating and drinking, or you completely lose your appetite.

You start gaining / losing weight like crazy and become unhealthy. 

This "unfortunate" event makes the world too small to bear.

Everytime you pass a place you used to hang out together, come across a movie or tv show you used to watch, or see his/her name in a random store your heart breaks... And at this point you move from sadness to anger.

You start hating, or maybe hate and love in the same time, without your control.

You produce scenarios and play them in your head.

'Is s/he in their arms right now? Does s/he ever think of me?' You play the worst scenarios in your head.

Depending on your character/mood, you post songs that send him/her a message, or share fake photos that tell the world how happy you are, or avoid social media completely, since you can't bear it anymore.

Even your best friends can understand you up to a certain point, and everyone tells you that life goes on, there are much worse going on in the world and that you should feel grateful, or that you will have worse worries in life.

Maybe they are right but your emotional state doesn't allow you to logically accept these words.

You may even consider forgiving them and getting back together because "You can't live without him/her!"

Believe me, that's a huge mistake because even though some people deserve a second chance, consider this; after you've been all through this, are you really going to be able to forget what happened, and be happy just with his presence? Does someone who hurt you to this degree deserve a second chance? Make your decision carefully.

After a while, you get exhausted from the pain and sadness.

Little sprinkles of logic start to light up in your head as you think; 'Ok, I've been holding on to this pain for too long, and I need to move on with my life at some point. Crying is achieving nothing.'

You slowly start to encourage yourself.

'Yeah I've been through this shit, but there's no need for comparing myself to the other woman because they're not the problem; it's my ex that lacked such dignity' would be a start. You may even start showing some self-love with the 'it's his/her loss' attitude, which is an amazing start to really believe and embrace what hundreds of people are already telling you.

If you've been blaming yourself about being cheated on, and searching for your faults, remember that you have nothing to do with this situation.

It's really about the lack of dignity, the dishonesty and excuses of your ex partner. Of course both sides make mistakes in a relationship, but no mistake that you made can really excuse their betrayal.

You start forgiving yourself for the extra-depressive thoughts you had during the first stages.

Because before you are ready to move on and go outside, you need to make peace with yourself and pick up your own pieces. 

Then you start trying to forgive them.

CAUTION - Don't take this as getting back together or starting over- it means to stop holding on to the anger and resentment that are poisining your life, and letting go of the horrible memories; letting him/her go. Whatever happened has happened and can't be taken back, so you'll free him/her and let karma/universe/God/whatever you believe in do the rest of the job.

People see you lightened up a little, and immediately jump on you.

There's no bad intentions to their actions, they wanna have fun, go out, find you new people. But you still need time to yourself, to figure everything out and get your pieces back together before falling into someone else's arms. That's why it's the most healthy to avoid hanging with other potential partners. Of course you can meet people and make new friends, but don't see them as potential flirts.

There may even be those opportunists who try to console you and eventually get with you due to your vulnerable situation.

There's no need to hang with those. Don't jump from a snake to another species of snake ;)

And you also learned that "loyalty" is very important for you.

So if you enter a relationship with someone who knows that you've recently been out of one, it would be unfair to use them as a replacement before you've completely moved on. Would you want to be in the same place? What would be your difference with those people that you critisize and even resent? 

Of course, everyone is different. But a relationship that starts with a clear head and a healed heart is always the most healthy.

That's why whether moving on takes 2 months or one year for you, wait until you are completely ready and healed.

Right afterwards come the acceptance period.

'Ok, I lived through a horrible experience for this person but it doesn't mean everyone will do the same.' or 'S/he was a good person and wouldn't hurt me that intentionally, this doesn't mean that my life was a lie, it just came down to a choice s/he made' are some thoughts that might come to mind when you start being more deeply aware of the situation, seeing the wider picture, and accepting everything.

"Yeah we have that memory here. But I have a memory here with tons of other friends too, what, I don't have to ditch a cafe of which I'm a regular"

'We went to vacation here, how will I ever return?!' - 'So what if we went on vacation, does it mean I erase this place from the map?' may be a stream of consciousness that happen more frequently.

And now, the healing period have begun.

You could throw his/her stuff in trash, or you could keep some because seriously, they are just little details that don't mean too much.

And now is the time to really give attention to yourself.

Now you can start flirting, or become more introspective and only deal with your soul, spend more time with a favorite hobby, or commit yourself to your job and career, and in the meanwhile, socialize with the people who have been with you through this period.

If you think about it; you can only rule your own world and can't change what goes on in the outer world.

Life will go on and the seasons will change regardless of whether you drag yourself crying on the ground or jump with excitement and happiness.

If you are still in the first steps, this won't sound legit or believable to you at all but hear me out; you just need to give it time.

Will you still have an occasional streak of sadness, or a sense of nostalgia? Of course; you won't completely delete him/her from your mind and the memories will remain. You can even shed a tear or two when you hear a song, but you will also see that, as a person who hit emotional bottom and resurfaced, you can move on with your life as a much stronger soul.

That doesn't kill you makes you stronger is very kitch and cliche for this article, but you are cordially invited to learn your lessons from the experience :)

Get to know yourself, get familiar with your perspective and widen it, and try to be a person that aligns with your principles. Of course love is blind and all, but there's still so much room to improve and learn lessons.

Feel better soon!

He was like a cancerous cell and needed immediate surgical removal. You chose to be brave and went along with this operation. Congratulations! Many adventures await, and may you feel grounded and light-hearted for the rest of your journey <3

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