The Essential Questions Couples in Strong Relationships Ask Each Other
Human relationships are tough, especially romantic ones. After becoming a 'we' with the person you love, it's crucial to build the relationship on strong foundations and always strive to protect it. Otherwise, like a flower, you might wither over time. Couple therapist psychologist Ay Morin frequently hears the phrase 'We don't even talk anymore' from her clients.
Couples start to feel like roommates rather than romantic partners over time.
So, what do strong couples talk about? What questions do they ask each other?
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"What was the best part of your day?"
Couples typically ask each other 'how was your day?' when they return home in the evenings. However, repeating this standard question daily eventually leads to receiving standard answers. These routine conversations can gradually create a distance between you. Instead, try asking questions that focus on your partner's emotions. For instance, you could start by asking 'what was the best part of your day?'
Psychologist Morin states, 'We are programmed to remember things that went wrong more easily than things that went right.' Therefore, if you've developed a habit of complaining about the worst parts of the day, she suggests starting to discuss the best parts instead. This could help foster a sense of optimism and gratitude, which are beneficial for our mental health. Of course, you would also initiate an enjoyable conversation that both of you can participate in.
"Has anything not gone as you planned?"
After asking your spouse about the best part of their day, you might consider inquiring about the worst part. However, refrain from doing so.
This question could potentially induce more stress in them. Instead, try asking about 'things that didn't go as planned'. This way, it will be evident that you are willing to listen to the challenges your spouse has faced.
For instance, your spouse might say, 'My big presentation got postponed to next week, so all the preparations are on hold'. You can learn how they cope with unexpected situations and gain insight into their emotional state.
Remember, often the best thing you can do is simply to listen.
"Who made your day easier today?"
We all have that annoying boss or coworker who just doesn't get the message in our lives. But this time, instead of focusing on them, we're shifting our attention to those colleagues who make your job easier. And of course, to each other afterwards.
After recounting your own day, express how your partner also brightened your day with sentences like, 'Your message at lunch really motivated me.' Of course, you'll need to do something first to make this happen :)
"How would you like to spend this evening?"
After a gruelling day, there's nothing quite as effortless as sprawling on the couch and immersing oneself in the world of the smartphone. However, before succumbing to this temptation, asking your spouse how they'd like to spend the evening can go a long way in preserving the bond between you.
Your partner might suggest going for a walk or ordering food from outside and indulging in an enjoyable TV series. The following day, you can engage in activities that you prefer.
"How can I lighten your load?"
Strong couples operate like a team, and one of the best ways to be a good teammate is to know how to assist your partner. Instead of vaguely offering, 'Let me know if you need anything,' be specific and take the initiative, for instance, you can say, 'I'm making dinner tonight.' You might get a response like, 'Yes, please. I don't want to make any more decisions today, not even about what to eat.'
However, there's an important point to note: Don't act as if you're doing your partner a favor. The goal is to demonstrate your willingness to share the load.
"When did you feel proud of yourself today?"
Perhaps your spouse took the floor at a meeting, set a boundary, or overcame something they feared. Recalling and recounting moments of pride is a step towards boosting self-confidence.
Make sharing your feelings with each other a common ritual. Celebrate what both of you have accomplished today and ask intriguing questions again tomorrow. If you go beyond the simple question of 'How was work today?', your evening chats will never be dull.
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