How To Respond To A Passive-Aggressive Comment Without Starting A Fight, According To Experts
You are packing up at the end of the workday when a coworker asks, in a sweet-but-sharp tone, 'Leaving already?' If that sounds familiar, you have been on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive comment.
So what do you say back? Experts speaking to TIME magazine explained how to respond to a dig without turning it into a bigger argument.
First, why don't people just say it directly?
According to Laurie Weingart, a professor of organizational behavior at Carnegie Mellon University, both halves of the term 'passive-aggressive' describe the situation well: the person is expressing anger or disagreement, but in an indirect way. The words sound innocent; the tone does not.
New York psychologist Melissa Gluck says some people never learned to say 'I'm hurt, you upset me,' or are afraid to say it. A sarcastic remark feels easier than the vulnerability that being direct requires. For people who grew up around others who never voiced their feelings, this indirect language can even feel normal.
In relationships, a dig can be a 'test'
Research on romantic relationships by Levi R. Baker, a psychology professor at the University of North Carolina Greensboro, shows that people sometimes signal their discomfort indirectly because they are unsure how much their partner cares about them. According to Levi R. Baker, they are testing their partner: sending an 'I'm upset' signal and waiting to see whether it gets noticed. The question underneath is: 'Does this person care about me and value me?'
1. Give a clearer, but calmer answer.
Laurie Weingart's core advice: your reply should be 'more direct but less harsh' than the comment you heard.
If someone tells you, 'It must be nice to have so much free time,' Dallas-based counselor Brook McKenzie, who works with families and indirect communication, suggests answering: 'I'm not sure what you meant by that. Could you say it another way?' Another option: 'It sounds like there's something you want to tell me directly. Is there?'
The key is for the question to sound like an invitation, not an accusation. Asking 'Why are you being so passive-aggressive?' may be tempting, but then you end up arguing about the other person's tone instead of the real issue. Answering with the same sarcasm does not work either.
2. If it is someone close, ask whether they want to talk.
If the person making the comment is someone you are very close to, Melissa Gluck recommends a gentle opening: 'I feel like something's off. Do you want to talk about it?' That gives them a chance to explain what is wrong without you having to guess.
If they say 'Everything's fine,' you can take them at their word for now. As Melissa Gluck puts it: 'It's not our job to be emotion detectives.'
If you can guess what is behind the comment, you can acknowledge that too. Say you mention you are going out with friends and your partner replies, 'Of course you have time for everyone else.' Levi R. Baker suggests showing that you value them without cancelling your plans: 'I'm going out tonight, but I'd really love to have dinner with you tomorrow.'
3. At work, talk about the work, not the feelings.
At work, clarity tends to help more than talking about emotions. If your manager says 'Leaving already?' at the end of the day, Laurie Weingart suggests asking: 'Is there anything else you need from me before I go?'
If a coworker says the same thing, an even shorter answer may do: 'Yes, the workday's over. Have a good weekend!' Neither reply assumes you know what the other person meant.
4. Sometimes the best answer is no answer
If a friend makes a single snide remark on a bad day, something they would not normally do, Melissa Gluck says you can let it go. If it keeps happening, though, that is a different story.
Source: TIME
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