Soul-Sucking Zodiac Analyses From The Evil Astrologer


Don't lie. You check your daily horoscope and then always blame the Mercury Retro for everything bad happening in your life!

1. ARIES (21 March-20 April)

Aries' are annoying people, who never keep their promises, and are devoid of self esteem…Somebody needs to give them a push in their lives. All of the homebodies and momma’s boys are born under Aries. Even their so-called love is useless. They are usually platonic, as they don't possess even a grain of courage to open up about their feelings. Let’s say a miracle takes place and they barely tell you about their feelings. You might make a mistake and actually go for it. If you are a flighty person, who loves having fun and seeks excitement in your love life, you are pretty much screwed, my friend. Aries individuals are terribly emotional and boring. They are very prone to complaining. They won't get what you are trying to explain to them, even though you go over it thousands of times. They just act like they understand, and at the end, talk about the opposite of what you have been saying. They will drive you crazy. They don't have the capacity to ask and understand what is going on. However, they are liked by society. Why? Because they do not hurt anybody but themselves.

They aren't smart enough to get away with lying or cheating. They're no good, except for laughing at your jokes and listening to what you are saying. They're jealous, annoying and boring.

2. TAURUS (21 April-21 May)

People who are born under the Taurus sign do nothing else than just eat your brains out. They randomly talk behind your back. And if they are interested in you while you are indifferent to them, you are going to have a bad time. That is exactly when you should expect anything and everything to happen with a Taurus individual.

They will destroy you. It is then up to you if you tear your own hair out, or start drinking out of anger. They are devils disguised as an angel. They are vengeful. They don't amount to anything in their lives. If they are from families that are not well-off, it gets even uglier. They just want to have things without making any effort. They want to have lots of money and the hottest girlfriend and this and that, and that, too. They think that the world revolves around them. As long as they need something from you, you are the coolest person ever for them. This is usually the zodiac sign of spinsters: They either don't get married or do so very late. Actually, who the f*ck would want them? They will shorten your life span. The only thing that is ‘Taurus-y” about them is the name of their sign; they are actually cold-blooded scorpions.

3. GEMINI (22 May- 21 June)

Unstable, two-faced, a mix of different character traits, and parasites that are totally useless when on their own… Honey-tongued serpents… These people will exploit others all their lives. They love intrigue, gossip, and being mean, and are simply defected. The lies that they most often tell include: “Come on guys! Let’s do…”, “Oh, of course I want to join…” “I will owe you one.” They are really good liars. They also talk way too much and can’t keep any secrets. They are just loose-lipped, like walking newspapers. They are just into going places and having fun, and no more; they can’t be bothered with anything else. They just flap their gums and only get married because they believe it is what people are supposed to do. They often contradict themselves. They are awfully cowardly when they are alone. They just talk behind people’s backs. They just blabber on. They are highly unreliable. However, they somehow manage to charm people because they are really good at apologizing and being forgiven. They are quick to deceive the ones around them. Gemini is the zodiac sign that you should be most careful with.

4. CANCER (22 June- 23 July)

People who are born under the sign Cancer think they are very smart, but are indeed very naive and stupid. They believe in anything very easily. They mourn for centuries for the people who leave them. Plus, they have this belief that one day, everything will be good. It's just ridiculous. There is nothing that they are more interested in than their looks.

A couple of compliments are enough for them to show their true colors. They act as if they were sent to earth for a great purpose. They are mommy’s boys at least as much as Aries individuals, and are impossible to crack. They always have these ebbs and flows, and are dangerous. They easily grasp you within their palms. Be careful if you earn their hatred, and stay away from them as long as their anger is still fresh. There is nothing they aren’t capable of doing when they are furious. They are very difficult when they are in a relationship because they try to own the people they love, as if they were commodities, while they at the same time have a roaming eye. These annoying people are not bad friends, but as a romantic partner, they suck. They will suck the suck the soul out of you with their mood swings.

5. LEO (24 July- 23 August)

These hilarious people think that they are too good for everything, and everybody. If they were to end up on a deserted island, one of the three things they would wish for would be a mirror. They think they are charming as hell. They believe that everything around them would go wrong if it wasn't for them. However, the only wrong thing is them, themselves. If locked in a room for two days, they will most certainly end up dead. If there is no mirror in that room, it will take even less time. Their freedom is indispensable for them. They are actually pretty naive; even a rattlebrain could fool them easily. They don't get the finer details. They give themselves away instantly if they are lying or going behind your back, because they don’t have enough potential to plan or play it cool if they are, indeed, succeed in implementing their plan. Never ask these megalomaniac people about how you look, because no matter how perfect you are feeling, they will find something negative. Your looks will be the first thing they attack you with in a fight. Everything interests them a lot, including your weight, how crossed your eyes are, how thin your lips are, and so on. They are a threat to your mental health.

6. VIRGO (24 August-23 September)

They easily adapt to almost everything, because this is the only way they can fit in and make friends. They are too scared of losing friends to defend their own opinions. Who wants somebody that agrees with everything they say? The most annoying thing they do is have very disturbing, staring-like eye contact while talking to people. They usually behave well, but are, deep down, prone to do any kind of craziness. They are very quick to fall in love, and they are quiet, neurotic and often absent-minded. They usually think about other things while talking to you. They will rub their kindness off your face every time you make a mistake.

They're too traditional. Additionally, they're obsessive. They push the person they are in love with until they can’t take it anymore, despite their quickness to fall in love. They try to be romantic partners, but it gets very boring and annoying after a while. They can’t handle alcohol very well, so they should be your last drinking companion option; especially when they are troubled by something, which happens quite often. Even if you are too good-hearted and make the mistake of going drinking with them, take some tape with you to shut them the hell up. These people, who normally do not know how engage in conversations and dialog, start talking, even to the stone lying on the ground, once they drink. For them, the future is not important, but only the present. They are usually people who haven't fully developed their character yet.

7. LIBRA (24 September- 22 October)

Whiny Libra, nagging Libra, ugh! They talk non-stop. They are f*cking cold. The person who loves them the most is themselves. Then, follows the mother and aunt, if they have one, but then, nobody actually loves them that much. They are the last people who you should call when you are bored or troubled, because they can take your very minor problems to the level of depression. They worry about everything, and always have their ups and downs. One day they act like your best friend, and the next day they won't even look your way. They are very interested in secrets and mysterious things. They love gossiping, and they know about everything: who did what with whom, when, and where etc. They mostly hear and know about these things, or they simply see them. 

They are mostly fake and insincere. They think that they are smart, but that’s just false. They have a suffocating and tedious aura. Even though they might seem charming and interesting to you at the first sight, you should run the f*ck away from them, unless you happen to be a masochist. They are foodies and posers. People around them define them as robotic, cold and unstable. They are insatiable. As the last note: they are not worth being taken seriously.

8. SCORPIO (23 October- 22 November)

People who were born under Scorpio are the best at disappointing you, although they usually look moderate and good-hearted. You can never predict which face they will show you. They are sometimes affectionate and warm, and sometimes aggressive and cold as ice. They are good actors, but are very selfish. They are so devilish that God should protect you from their wrath. They do everything they set their mind to. They use their body language very well and have the most facial mimics. They have an excuse for anything and everything. They are very diligent and smart, and sneak up on their prey. If you have a Scorpio around you, I definitely think that you should try to be friends with them. They are capable of doing anything because of their jealousy. They always want to be the center of the attention, and their self-esteem can make you go apesh*t. They deserve the name of their star sign, thanks to their nature. The expression ‘devil disguised as angel’ was probably coined because of them.

9. SAGITTARIUS (23 November-22 December)

You cheater, deceiver, gossip lover, yet fun Sagittarius individual… What are you waiting for to finally get your sh*t together? What is up with all this non-stop chitchat? People who were born under Sagittarius will never ever get tired of talking. They love free things. Their arrogant and self-flattering attitude is unbearable. They love any kind of excitement. People born under Sagittarius are the ones who value their independence most. They can adapt to new situations, and play ball with everybody. They are easily encouraged. They love exaggerating everything; even the simplest and smallest incident will be made much more interesting. Their attention span is very short. God give strength to their partners. A person could not be more whimsical than this. They shut their eyes to the negativity in life and see the fuller half of the glass. They run away when they get bored, and do not like to strive, unless it serves their personal interests. Their sign should have been a jackal, rather than a bow. They are the most important people in their own lives. They badmouth their past relationships, and their friends that make them angry. That’s why they don’t seem trustworthy to others; how can a person who only lives for excitement and loves to gossip be trustworthy? We know what we are talking about here.

10. CAPRICORN (23 December-20 January)

You stubborn goat, arrogant, imbecile who cuts off your nose to spite your face… There is nobody who cannot differentiate between frankness and levity as much as you do. People who were born under Capricorn are always ready to have a nervous breakdown. They are unable to distinguish between what is better or worse, because these people are too naive to compare the two things. That’s why you’d better ask someone else about your new hair cut, your clothes, and so on, instead of weird Capricorn individuals who lack fashion sense. In other words, they are soft in the head. Their friends are all they think about, and it devastates them if they have a problem or argument. They are very private people, as if somebody could actually care about the life of these boring, rule-driven people. If you make the mistake of watching a movie with them, they will randomly ask you what the actor has just said. They comment on every single scene of the movie, or find something absurd to confuse you. They laugh and ask questions arbitrarily, and they ask on and on, as if they will put all the unnecessary knowledge they have acquired into sucking the soul out of people on their grave.

11. AQUARIUS (21 January- 19 February)

People born under Aquarius are impolite. They overwhelm not only themselves, but also the people around them, with their complexes, all their lives. They are posers and stereotypical. They aren’t that open to change. They aren’t the bright kid at school that everybody talks about, and when it comes to professional life, they always prefer easy jobs. Their limited potential does not let them do more, so they are content either way. They are very into food, obese people are mostly Aquarius. Having one or two of those around is actually not that harmful; they usually suffocate you with their issues, but are less dangerous when compared to other signs. They can get really nostalgic and emotional when they remember an old memory and they love keeping small souvenirs to look back on later. Although some of them look real tough, they are almost all emotional cry-babies.

12. PISCES (20 February- 20 March)

I even don’t know where to start. Are you guys naive or just pure stupid? These people get more childish instead of mature, even if they live for 100 years. They get offended, angry, and resentful very easily. It is suffocating to even think about Pisces individuals. They are losers who can’t seem to use any opportunity. All their lives, they dream of finding easy money; they mostly daydream unless they are sleeping. They are full of contradictions. As if they do not have enough bad qualities already, they are also very stubborn. They are always pain in the neck. As long as you play ball with them, you can get them to do anything you want. However, if you ask me, just do it yourself. They are always depressed; breathing is enough of a reason for them to feel down. If you ask them, they are the ones who have suffered most in the world and who got beat up most by everybody. Poor Pisces individuals, what are they supposed to do? The ship they get on would sink, and the branch they grab would break. They love living in their memories and can never snap out of their pasts. They care a lot about their looks. They do not worry about being a leader or anything; they are happy to find a place in a corner. It is almost impossible to make them happy. They can instantly feel joyous about a random thing, but they will never be happy. They are weird people who make you think that being characterless and pessimist is still OK, but wouldn't it be better if they weren’t around at all?

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